Tearing Down the Wall
By Jodi Becker Kinner
Written in 2000
Updated in 2016
If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you.
If you are determined to learn, no one can stop you. ~ Anonymous.
Note
As a deaf individual growing up in an oral environment, I wish to clarify that this article does not intent focus on the effects of early language deprivation or limited exposure to early language acquisition. Although I fully support the early language development for deaf and hard of hearing children, this is a separate issue. It is true that linguistic deprivation that I had at home had affected my learning progress (I did not learn American Sign Language until I was in college). However, this article intends to focus on my cognitive process that associates with visual processing disorder and slow processing issues. I was diagnosed with a learning disability in visual-motor processing & visual-spatial issues and and slow processing speed, once in high school and again in college. As a Deaf parent of two Deaf children (son & daughter), I have noticed some similar patterns in my daughter in spite of language rich environment being provided in our home.
Jodi Becker Kinner
I wish to share my story about how “Tearing Down the Wall” applies to my life. Upon completion of my Master’s degree at Gallaudet University in 2000, I was visiting my parents at Scott AFB, Illinois, on my way to Utah to begin my new employment. During dinner, my parents and I were discussing the history of my academic difficulties. My mother explained the concept of “The wall” and how it affected my academic potential. While traveling to Utah, I went through a long period of thinking. Since that time, I began to comprehend the reason I constructed “The wall” in the first place and how I used it to help me avoid learning.
First off, I am a Deaf adult who also has a learning disability which includes visual-motor processing disorder/visual-spatial disorder as well as slow processing speed. During my early childhood, my parents (hearing), who are well educated, attempted to teach me about life, subject matter, and a love of books. However, I built “the wall” around me because learning was so difficult. When I started developing learning strategies, the process was very difficult and I got really frustrated. In order to avoid frustration, I built this wall around me. It helped ease my frustration and it temporarily freed me from learning difficulties. Not only that, I also clung to the wall to avoid my frustration with academic struggles and sometimes life in general.
Before I explain how my learning disability was diagnosed, please allow me to share my educational background and how learning has affected me mentally, emotionally and psychically. As an Air Force Brat, I attended school in different oral education and mainstreamed settings. At the age of three, I began my formal education at the Omaha Hearing School (deaf oral school) in Omaha, Nebraska. My parents reported that I loved and looked forward to school because my teachers integrated much physical activity with language acquisition activities. Two years later, I enrolled at Central Institute for the Deaf (CID) in St. Louis, Missouri where I attended for nine years. As I recall, this is where my disinterest in school began. I experienced academic difficulties in areas such as reading, handwriting, spelling, math, and organizational skills. With each year the struggles became more difficult to overcome. I studied reading, English, mathematics, history, science, and other subjects in addition to having intensive speech and language daily. With my visual-spatial disorder and slow processing issues, my daily academic struggles frustrated me and I grew up not liking school. Over the years, I erected “the wall” higher and higher at CID. When I was in academics, I clung to “the wall” to prevent myself from learning and also to avoid frustration.
First off, I am a Deaf adult who also has a learning disability which includes visual-motor processing disorder/visual-spatial disorder as well as slow processing speed. During my early childhood, my parents (hearing), who are well educated, attempted to teach me about life, subject matter, and a love of books. However, I built “the wall” around me because learning was so difficult. When I started developing learning strategies, the process was very difficult and I got really frustrated. In order to avoid frustration, I built this wall around me. It helped ease my frustration and it temporarily freed me from learning difficulties. Not only that, I also clung to the wall to avoid my frustration with academic struggles and sometimes life in general.
Before I explain how my learning disability was diagnosed, please allow me to share my educational background and how learning has affected me mentally, emotionally and psychically. As an Air Force Brat, I attended school in different oral education and mainstreamed settings. At the age of three, I began my formal education at the Omaha Hearing School (deaf oral school) in Omaha, Nebraska. My parents reported that I loved and looked forward to school because my teachers integrated much physical activity with language acquisition activities. Two years later, I enrolled at Central Institute for the Deaf (CID) in St. Louis, Missouri where I attended for nine years. As I recall, this is where my disinterest in school began. I experienced academic difficulties in areas such as reading, handwriting, spelling, math, and organizational skills. With each year the struggles became more difficult to overcome. I studied reading, English, mathematics, history, science, and other subjects in addition to having intensive speech and language daily. With my visual-spatial disorder and slow processing issues, my daily academic struggles frustrated me and I grew up not liking school. Over the years, I erected “the wall” higher and higher at CID. When I was in academics, I clung to “the wall” to prevent myself from learning and also to avoid frustration.
Difficulty Processing the Visual Information
Word/Letter Reversal. @http://drnewmanoptometry.com
Looking back, I recall that I had academic struggles in school for years. Because of my difficulty processing visual information, I easily got distracted as the pages were covered with new information and symbols. I either didn’t pay attention or avoided the visual tasks. In school, my math skills were weak and I was unable to solve the math problems correctly. I had difficulty understanding and organizing mathematics concepts. I even overlooked function signs and omitted steps. I was also confused with formulas that were visually-similar. As for reading, I was easily distracted by too much visual information. I struggled organizing words which appeared cluttered on the page. I would skip words or entire lines when reading and sometimes I would read the same sentence over. When reading textbooks, I had difficulty recalling visual information. In college, I had to write notes to help me remember what I just learned or I would forget.
Another challenging area for me was that of reading cluttered menus and recipes. It was especially difficult to sort through the clutter of words and symbols and select an item to eat off of the menu. It was almost impossible to decipher the clutter of words found in recipes. It took me an excessive amount of time to learn and differentiate the kinds of food offered on the menu as well as in recipes. It was often overwhelming. As for cookbooks, I couldn’t read and follow the instructions, especially the measurement concepts. To me, it seemed like the directions were massed into small paragraphs with small print. In order to comprehend the directions, I had to break the tasks down into small steps so I could follow them before I was even able to begin to cook a meal. It was extremely time consuming and I did not have the patience for that. These experiences probably led to my reluctance to learn to cook despite my mother’s attempt to teach me.
I had trouble spelling familiar words with irregular spelling patterns, like their/there, recipe/receipt, and quiet/quite. I made many spelling errors. Worst of all, I recall not knowing where to place a period at the end of each sentence. While doing schoolwork or taking notes from the board, I often reversed or misread letters, numbers and words. I frequently got two words that belong together reversed, like “Babel of Tower” when it should be “Tower of Babel.” Moreover, I had difficulty seeing the difference between similar-looking letters and numbers on worksheets such as d/b, p/q, h/n, m/w, and 6/9. I struggled to follow directions or instructions that involved organizing things visually. My handwriting was/is so poor; I had/have illegible printing that is sometimes not clear enough to be read easily. I can't write cursive and I am not able to read cursive writing very well (Thank goodness for the computer!).
Participating in a team sport like basketball, volleyball or soccer was out of the question. My visual-spatial disorder did not only affect how I learn, but it also impacted my spatial ability to play sports.
Another challenging area for me was that of reading cluttered menus and recipes. It was especially difficult to sort through the clutter of words and symbols and select an item to eat off of the menu. It was almost impossible to decipher the clutter of words found in recipes. It took me an excessive amount of time to learn and differentiate the kinds of food offered on the menu as well as in recipes. It was often overwhelming. As for cookbooks, I couldn’t read and follow the instructions, especially the measurement concepts. To me, it seemed like the directions were massed into small paragraphs with small print. In order to comprehend the directions, I had to break the tasks down into small steps so I could follow them before I was even able to begin to cook a meal. It was extremely time consuming and I did not have the patience for that. These experiences probably led to my reluctance to learn to cook despite my mother’s attempt to teach me.
I had trouble spelling familiar words with irregular spelling patterns, like their/there, recipe/receipt, and quiet/quite. I made many spelling errors. Worst of all, I recall not knowing where to place a period at the end of each sentence. While doing schoolwork or taking notes from the board, I often reversed or misread letters, numbers and words. I frequently got two words that belong together reversed, like “Babel of Tower” when it should be “Tower of Babel.” Moreover, I had difficulty seeing the difference between similar-looking letters and numbers on worksheets such as d/b, p/q, h/n, m/w, and 6/9. I struggled to follow directions or instructions that involved organizing things visually. My handwriting was/is so poor; I had/have illegible printing that is sometimes not clear enough to be read easily. I can't write cursive and I am not able to read cursive writing very well (Thank goodness for the computer!).
Participating in a team sport like basketball, volleyball or soccer was out of the question. My visual-spatial disorder did not only affect how I learn, but it also impacted my spatial ability to play sports.
Jodi, age 7
Confused with directions. www.ldresources.org
Outside of school, I was famous for getting lost. It was as if my "internal compass” was broken and could not be repaired. I couldn’t read a map. Before the GPS was invented, the gas station was always my next stop for additional directions (My husband, Duane, eventually bought me a GPS for Christmas so I wouldn’t have to stop at the gas station for guidance.) After living in Utah for 5 years, I still couldn't figure out the directions and often felt lost. Duane simplified that by saying the big mountain is on the east side and the small mountain is on the west side. (Bingo!).
I was always confused with left and right. My younger hearing sister, Jami, who I called “the brain and beauty” noticed that I was often confused with it and decided to help me differentiate between left and right. She asked, “Which hand do you write with?” I thought for a few minutes and responded, “Right.” She said, “Exactly.” Since then, this has stuck in my head. Whenever I get confused with directions, I would think of which hand I write with and began to figure it out how to get to a specific place I was looking for. Even today, Duane, who comes from a Deaf family, would sign the spatial location of objects since American Sign Language is a spatial language. Confused and lost, I would ask him, “Left or right?” He usually sighs and answers either “left” or “right.”
When I was 10 years old, I flew to Canada alone to visit my friend, Arista Hass, who lived with us while attending Central Institute for the Deaf. As an illiterate about to land at the airport in Edmonton, I was unable to comprehend the flight attendant’s written instructions. I couldn’t even understand his lip-reading. I just smiled and nodded. As soon as I got off the airplane, I felt overwhelmed and disoriented, unable to know where to go or read the signs. I froze! Luckily, another flight attendant rescued me and guided me to Arista and her parents, Peter and Helen at the far-out gate. It was probably the worst nightmare I’ve ever had, and definitely the most bizarre. Looking back, being illiterate with visual spatial disorder can be quite scary!
Those aspects of my academic struggles made it challenging for me to do well in school. I clung to the wall which prevented me from learning while attempting to escape frustration as well. Because of my difficulty processing visual information (especially when the information comes to me rapidly and distractions are present) and recalling things that I had learned, it became apparent that I needed more time to learn new material. I also needed time to become familiar with new situations before I was able to move on to the next level and adjust to the new situation. It was definitely not an easy process!
I was always confused with left and right. My younger hearing sister, Jami, who I called “the brain and beauty” noticed that I was often confused with it and decided to help me differentiate between left and right. She asked, “Which hand do you write with?” I thought for a few minutes and responded, “Right.” She said, “Exactly.” Since then, this has stuck in my head. Whenever I get confused with directions, I would think of which hand I write with and began to figure it out how to get to a specific place I was looking for. Even today, Duane, who comes from a Deaf family, would sign the spatial location of objects since American Sign Language is a spatial language. Confused and lost, I would ask him, “Left or right?” He usually sighs and answers either “left” or “right.”
When I was 10 years old, I flew to Canada alone to visit my friend, Arista Hass, who lived with us while attending Central Institute for the Deaf. As an illiterate about to land at the airport in Edmonton, I was unable to comprehend the flight attendant’s written instructions. I couldn’t even understand his lip-reading. I just smiled and nodded. As soon as I got off the airplane, I felt overwhelmed and disoriented, unable to know where to go or read the signs. I froze! Luckily, another flight attendant rescued me and guided me to Arista and her parents, Peter and Helen at the far-out gate. It was probably the worst nightmare I’ve ever had, and definitely the most bizarre. Looking back, being illiterate with visual spatial disorder can be quite scary!
Those aspects of my academic struggles made it challenging for me to do well in school. I clung to the wall which prevented me from learning while attempting to escape frustration as well. Because of my difficulty processing visual information (especially when the information comes to me rapidly and distractions are present) and recalling things that I had learned, it became apparent that I needed more time to learn new material. I also needed time to become familiar with new situations before I was able to move on to the next level and adjust to the new situation. It was definitely not an easy process!
Suspecting Learning Disability
Jami, Arista & Jodi making ice cream, 1981
Due to my academic delays at Central Institute for the Deaf, my mother, who majored in Special Education, suspected that I had a learning disability at the age of seven. She noticed that I did not progress as well in academics as other students (Their literacy skills surpassed their oral communication skills). I did not learn to read until the age of ten. With my slow processing issues, my reading speed was extremely slow. I had a hard time recognizing and then remembering what I just read. I was easily frustrated with reading activities. As mentioned earlier, I struggled to comprehend what I was actually reading. When reading, I had difficulty recognizing variations of learned words involving the addition of past tense markers, plural markers and capital letters. For example, if I learned to read the sight words such as walk, house and the, I did not automatically recognize the words walked, houses or The. This adversely affected my reading when I could not understand the printed symbol. As for writing, I had difficulty organizing my work on paper and it was difficult to recall written sequences. My processing speed was slow and it took time to process and organize my thoughts and feelings when writing. Writing was a laborious, time-consuming task. In college, I had to work on papers way ahead of official due dates. My vocabulary was extremely limited. I struggled with new words; they didn’t seem to stay in my head very long. It was challenging to retain new words through memorization. Studying for tests was extremely time-consuming and exhausting. As a result, reading, writing, and learning vocabulary required a lot of time and patience.
Inspired by the "Anne of Green Gables" Book
Anne of Green Gable
With my lack of visual discrimination skills, I had difficulty noticing the similarities and differences between objects, especially food. For instance, I couldn’t detect subtle differences between a zucchini/cucumber and sweet potato/yam. Fast forward to the real world. I would go to the grocery store and buy the wrong vegetable. I intended to purchase a zucchini. Instead, I would bring home a cucumber. Unaware of the wrong choice, my husband, Duane immediately recognized the difference and would tell me that I bought the wrong one! Lesson learned. From that time on, I learned that I have to read the labels instead of looking at the vegetables and assuming it is the right one. Back to CID, because I needed extra help learning new things, I was pulled out of recess to learn to identify different kinds of food indicated on the pictures. It was definitely not a pleasant experience. My attitude toward school continued to be negative until the age of thirteen. A friend of mine from CID, Heather Whitestone, who later became Miss America, encouraged me to read her favorite book called Anne of Green Gables. I tried but I could not understand the words. Instead, I watched the movie with captions and fell in love with the main character, Anne Shirley, who inspired me to use my imagination and to enjoy learning. My desire to broaden my education had begun. However, academic struggles had taken a toll. I realized that I could no longer use the wall to avoid learning. In order to begin my true learning, I had to knock down the wall and learn how to cope with my frustration and learning challenges.
Paralyze Under Pressure
Jodi Becker, Blanca Gonzalez, Heather Whitestone, 1987
Shortly before I graduated from CID in May 1987 we, the students, were due to take the annual standard school achievement tests. These tests were used to measure students’ academic achievement over a one year academic year. Since the tests were timed, I found I was unable to complete the tests within the allotted time. I became paralyzed under the pressure and my mind was completely blocked. I grasped the wall and hung on even tighter because of my frustration.
For the first time in years, I began to notice that I could not complete the tests as rapidly as my peers. When the time was up, the teacher collected our tests. I felt stupid for not being able to complete the test in the allowed time. I could not understand why I was unable to complete it within the limited time. I was embarrassed. I shyly handed my test to the teacher and explained, “I wasn’t able to finish the test.” She checked my test and she seemed concerned. She said, “It’s okay. We’ll work it out.”
A few days later, the teacher made arrangements for me to take tests in the Assistant Principle’s office with extended time. Surprisingly, at my own pace and for the first time, I was able to comprehend the test questions better and progressed thorough them without experiencing stress or pressure. As soon as I completed the test, I was beginning to realize that at my own pace, I did not need to cling to the wall to handle my frustration. A few days later, CID sent me a letter saying that I made more than one year’s progress on my standard school achievement test. The decision was made that I would be able to graduate from CID one year early. This news surprised some of my friends who thought I was not smart enough to graduate early. It was the beginning of my awareness of the criticism that I received from others. I was aware of being behind academically, but the word “smart” just hit me. Perhaps they were right that I was not smart like them. I grew up with most of my friends who were gifted and unlike me; they were progressing well academically. I was deeply hurt by my friends’ perception of my intellectual ability. My determination to become smart grew stronger and my desire to gain an education had grown.
For the first time in years, I began to notice that I could not complete the tests as rapidly as my peers. When the time was up, the teacher collected our tests. I felt stupid for not being able to complete the test in the allowed time. I could not understand why I was unable to complete it within the limited time. I was embarrassed. I shyly handed my test to the teacher and explained, “I wasn’t able to finish the test.” She checked my test and she seemed concerned. She said, “It’s okay. We’ll work it out.”
A few days later, the teacher made arrangements for me to take tests in the Assistant Principle’s office with extended time. Surprisingly, at my own pace and for the first time, I was able to comprehend the test questions better and progressed thorough them without experiencing stress or pressure. As soon as I completed the test, I was beginning to realize that at my own pace, I did not need to cling to the wall to handle my frustration. A few days later, CID sent me a letter saying that I made more than one year’s progress on my standard school achievement test. The decision was made that I would be able to graduate from CID one year early. This news surprised some of my friends who thought I was not smart enough to graduate early. It was the beginning of my awareness of the criticism that I received from others. I was aware of being behind academically, but the word “smart” just hit me. Perhaps they were right that I was not smart like them. I grew up with most of my friends who were gifted and unlike me; they were progressing well academically. I was deeply hurt by my friends’ perception of my intellectual ability. My determination to become smart grew stronger and my desire to gain an education had grown.
My First Time Mainstreamed
Literary Analysis. Published by Pierce Howard
After graduating from Central Institute for the Deaf in 1987, I was enrolled at my first public school, Goodwyn Junior High School in Montgomery, Alabama, for one year. I began seventh grade there and was placed in a deaf program along with other deaf and hard of hearing students, and attended Physical Education with hearing students. I had to learn to break down the “wall” when I began my education at that school. I continued to struggle academically and studied long periods of time. With the support of my teacher and parents, I was ableto maintain good grades and made the Honor Roll. I was also elected Miss Goodwyn Pageant which was quite an honor for me.
When my father, who was in the Air Force, was stationed at the Pentagon in Springfield, Virginia in 1988, I skipped eighth grade due to my age and spent my freshman and sophomore years at Annandale High School where I still struggled academically. During my freshman year, I was mainstreamed for the first time. I only took math and English in self-contained classes. I had a conflict with one of my Deaf Education teachers who I had in my self-contained math and English classes. In my math class, I was unable to handle fractions, decimals and percentage. I often forgot easy math facts. I always made many errors and my numbers were often reversed when copying from a textbook and the blackboard. I had difficulty organizing the mathematical problems and completing my assignments accurately. I had to use graph paper to keep columns aligned in written math assignments. Graphing helped me organize the problems, but it did not always help me avoid making errors. I was unable to find and correct simple math errors. In spite of the one-on-one, slow paced instruction I had in my English class, I experienced deficits in reading comprehension and writing organization. While reading, I had difficulty with look-alike words such as “hat” and “hot” and similarly shaped words such as “boy” and “dog.” I worked hard and spent long hours studying, but did poorly in some of the classes despite my efforts.
When my father, who was in the Air Force, was stationed at the Pentagon in Springfield, Virginia in 1988, I skipped eighth grade due to my age and spent my freshman and sophomore years at Annandale High School where I still struggled academically. During my freshman year, I was mainstreamed for the first time. I only took math and English in self-contained classes. I had a conflict with one of my Deaf Education teachers who I had in my self-contained math and English classes. In my math class, I was unable to handle fractions, decimals and percentage. I often forgot easy math facts. I always made many errors and my numbers were often reversed when copying from a textbook and the blackboard. I had difficulty organizing the mathematical problems and completing my assignments accurately. I had to use graph paper to keep columns aligned in written math assignments. Graphing helped me organize the problems, but it did not always help me avoid making errors. I was unable to find and correct simple math errors. In spite of the one-on-one, slow paced instruction I had in my English class, I experienced deficits in reading comprehension and writing organization. While reading, I had difficulty with look-alike words such as “hat” and “hot” and similarly shaped words such as “boy” and “dog.” I worked hard and spent long hours studying, but did poorly in some of the classes despite my efforts.
An Official Diagnosis
At the end of the school year in 1989, I was given a psychological evaluation test, and was diagnosed with a learning disability in visual-motor integration disorder. According to the evaluation, my scores indicated a significant discrepancy between my ability and achievement in math and written expression. Moreover, I presented with functional deficits in visual-motor integration. My deficits in perceptual motor integration affected my ability to read instructions accurately and resulted in a reversal of letters and digits while writing or copying. Not only that, my diagnosis had shown that my deficits in visual-motor integration had affected my early learning development and had a major impact on my academic potential.
I had never heard of this diagnosis and refused to believe the report. It was administered by a psychologist who had little knowledge of deafness. I refused to follow his suggestions and felt I was mislabeled because of my academic failure. I also believed that my literacy skill was delayed due to my lack of exposure to early language and that it was related to my deafness, not a learning disability. Even though the results of the test stated what I already knew; I had limited vocabulary, severe problems with reading comprehension, poor writing skills, problems with grammar, organization, and math, I was not ready to accept the fact that I had a learning disability.
I had never heard of this diagnosis and refused to believe the report. It was administered by a psychologist who had little knowledge of deafness. I refused to follow his suggestions and felt I was mislabeled because of my academic failure. I also believed that my literacy skill was delayed due to my lack of exposure to early language and that it was related to my deafness, not a learning disability. Even though the results of the test stated what I already knew; I had limited vocabulary, severe problems with reading comprehension, poor writing skills, problems with grammar, organization, and math, I was not ready to accept the fact that I had a learning disability.
Feeling Stupid and Isolated
During my sophomore year, I was placed in resource classes for students with learning disabilities as well as deaf classes for students who were deaf and hard of hearing. In the resource classes, I was stunned to observe how the students behaved in the classroom, and especially how they treated the teacher. Some of their behaviors were disrespectful
They did not follow the traditional norms in the classroom. During lectures, one student usually got up and walked to the window to look outside. Another student would lean his head back and look at the ceiling. Some of them chatted in the classroom and others fell asleep ignoring the teachers’ lecture. I noticed one student, who was a heavy smoker, had cigarette burns on her arms and legs. She was loud and usually interrupted the teacher’s lecture. There was no respect in the classroom. I did not feel like I fit in. I was a serious and motivated student. I was enthusiastic and ready to learn. However, their inattention during lectures and lack of motivation in school struck me hard. I felt stupid and isolated. The label “learning disability” was still very new to me and these students gave me the impression that they were stupid. Additionally, I felt like they reflected me, like I was one of them, and I didn’t like it. The environment where I was placed created my negative perspectives about learning disabilities in general.
Mathematics had never been my strong suit. I took basic math in a resource class. It was the same basic mathematical problems I had learned the previous year. Because I did not make enough progress, I had to repeat my basic math class but I was allowed to complete the tasks at my own pace. I was unable to handle fractions, decimals and percentage. I often forgot easy math facts. I had to use a calculator to calculate math problems repeatedly until I copied the numbers accurately and corrected the errors. I always committed many errors and the numbers were often reversed when copying from the textbook and board. I had difficulty organizing the mathematical problems and completing my assignments accurately. I had to use graph paper to keep columns aligned in written math assignments. It helped me organize the problems, but it did not always help me avoid making errors. I was unable to find and correct simple math errors. It was very frustrating and discouraging.
In my deaf program class, I had a conflict with my teacher. When I had difficulty understanding a particular subject or made a mistake, she would yell at me. She never encouraged me to do well or told me, “Yes, you can do it.” She wounded my spirit and made me believe that I would never be successful in life because of my academic challenges. I had a really difficult time with my classes, so this was probably the most stressful and unhappy period of my life.
With my parents’ support and encouragement, I was determined to battle against the wall in order to advance my education. I gradually regained my confidence. In spite of my academic struggles, I wanted to be intelligent likeAnne Shirley, the main character in the series called Anne of Green Gables. Because this character cherished books; she influenced me to appreciate books. Like Anne Shirley, I was determined to be successful in school and didn’t want to give up (Also, thanks to my family’s Type A personalities). Out of anger, I was determined to prove that particular teacher and my friends wrong.
They did not follow the traditional norms in the classroom. During lectures, one student usually got up and walked to the window to look outside. Another student would lean his head back and look at the ceiling. Some of them chatted in the classroom and others fell asleep ignoring the teachers’ lecture. I noticed one student, who was a heavy smoker, had cigarette burns on her arms and legs. She was loud and usually interrupted the teacher’s lecture. There was no respect in the classroom. I did not feel like I fit in. I was a serious and motivated student. I was enthusiastic and ready to learn. However, their inattention during lectures and lack of motivation in school struck me hard. I felt stupid and isolated. The label “learning disability” was still very new to me and these students gave me the impression that they were stupid. Additionally, I felt like they reflected me, like I was one of them, and I didn’t like it. The environment where I was placed created my negative perspectives about learning disabilities in general.
Mathematics had never been my strong suit. I took basic math in a resource class. It was the same basic mathematical problems I had learned the previous year. Because I did not make enough progress, I had to repeat my basic math class but I was allowed to complete the tasks at my own pace. I was unable to handle fractions, decimals and percentage. I often forgot easy math facts. I had to use a calculator to calculate math problems repeatedly until I copied the numbers accurately and corrected the errors. I always committed many errors and the numbers were often reversed when copying from the textbook and board. I had difficulty organizing the mathematical problems and completing my assignments accurately. I had to use graph paper to keep columns aligned in written math assignments. It helped me organize the problems, but it did not always help me avoid making errors. I was unable to find and correct simple math errors. It was very frustrating and discouraging.
In my deaf program class, I had a conflict with my teacher. When I had difficulty understanding a particular subject or made a mistake, she would yell at me. She never encouraged me to do well or told me, “Yes, you can do it.” She wounded my spirit and made me believe that I would never be successful in life because of my academic challenges. I had a really difficult time with my classes, so this was probably the most stressful and unhappy period of my life.
With my parents’ support and encouragement, I was determined to battle against the wall in order to advance my education. I gradually regained my confidence. In spite of my academic struggles, I wanted to be intelligent likeAnne Shirley, the main character in the series called Anne of Green Gables. Because this character cherished books; she influenced me to appreciate books. Like Anne Shirley, I was determined to be successful in school and didn’t want to give up (Also, thanks to my family’s Type A personalities). Out of anger, I was determined to prove that particular teacher and my friends wrong.
My Extreme Outburst
The most challenging class I had at Annandale High School was world history. It was not offered in the resource class. In order to meet the school requirement, I had no choice but to register for this class with regular students without an interpreter. Whenever I became frustrated with a particular subject, I would either yell or throw the book. However, my experience in world history class was different. One night, I was studying for the test with my mother’s assistance. No matter how hard she tried to explain the material, I still could not understand it.
I became so frustrated that I could not tolerate it anymore. I was unable to cling to the wall to handle my frustration like I usually did. Hence, I exploded and tore the book. My mother was sitting there witnessing my extreme outburst. I expected her to pity me or maybe comfort me, but she did not. Instead, she looked at me sharply and firmly said, “You need to learn how to control your frustration.” She stormed out leaving me alone in the dining room where I usually studied. I was stunned! I could not believe that she had toughened up. She was usually patient with my frustration, but not this time.
I contemplated what my mother just said. I recognized that I usually clung to the wall so I could handle my frustration. She was right. It was time to tear down the wall and learn how to cope with my frustration. In this case, I also have to thank my world history teacher for lifting my wounded spirit when I spotted her handwriting, “Follow your dreams” on my final exam (I passed this class with a C. Thank goodness!).
Despite my effort, I had difficulty with my classes. Because I had not yet learned American Sign Language, I did not have an interpreter in my classes at that time. My life at Annandale High School was miserable and I have very bitter memories. Because of my unpleasant experience at school, the wall had thickened once again, which made it more challenging to break down.
I became so frustrated that I could not tolerate it anymore. I was unable to cling to the wall to handle my frustration like I usually did. Hence, I exploded and tore the book. My mother was sitting there witnessing my extreme outburst. I expected her to pity me or maybe comfort me, but she did not. Instead, she looked at me sharply and firmly said, “You need to learn how to control your frustration.” She stormed out leaving me alone in the dining room where I usually studied. I was stunned! I could not believe that she had toughened up. She was usually patient with my frustration, but not this time.
I contemplated what my mother just said. I recognized that I usually clung to the wall so I could handle my frustration. She was right. It was time to tear down the wall and learn how to cope with my frustration. In this case, I also have to thank my world history teacher for lifting my wounded spirit when I spotted her handwriting, “Follow your dreams” on my final exam (I passed this class with a C. Thank goodness!).
Despite my effort, I had difficulty with my classes. Because I had not yet learned American Sign Language, I did not have an interpreter in my classes at that time. My life at Annandale High School was miserable and I have very bitter memories. Because of my unpleasant experience at school, the wall had thickened once again, which made it more challenging to break down.
My Nightmares Began
When my father was transferred to Travis AFB, California, in 1990, I spent my junior and senior year at Vanden High School. At Vanden High School, much to my dismay, I was initially placed in resource classes. I did not want to be part of a learning disability program and I still did not believe I had one. My placement in resource classes shattered my dreams and made the way for nightmares. I was determined to transfer to regular classes to challenge myself to advance my education.
The remedial English class was very small and it contained approximately five students with learning disabilities. I didn’t like feeling stupid. I was determined to get out of this class. Later I moved into some regular classes because I began to learn faster than the other students. I finally had an interpreter in my classes. The wall was starting to break down, but not completely. It was rough, but I began to succeed because I had promised myself that I would do the best that I could.
The remedial English class was very small and it contained approximately five students with learning disabilities. I didn’t like feeling stupid. I was determined to get out of this class. Later I moved into some regular classes because I began to learn faster than the other students. I finally had an interpreter in my classes. The wall was starting to break down, but not completely. It was rough, but I began to succeed because I had promised myself that I would do the best that I could.
Beating the Odds
I was motivated to advance my education and I was determined to beat the odds, and begin tearing down the wall. While I was staring at the wall standing in front of me, I was determined not to let it prevent me from beating the odds. Whenever I became frustrated, I would cling to the wall for comfort. As much as I craved a good education, I had to work hard to tear down the wall even through it was extremely difficult to separate from it. With the wall being torn down piece by piece, I would be able to advance my education and speed up my progress in academic work without experiencing frustration.
Unfortunately, during my four years of high school, I never took biology, and the foreign language requirement was waived for me. I did not take high school math such as algebra or geometry. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I used to wrap a brown paper bag around my math and science books so nobody would see that I was only taking basic math and science.
I was ashamed of my learning disability. In spite of my being crowned as “Snowball Queen” and “Prom Queen” during my senior year, I never disclosed my learning disability to any of my high school friends. Because of my bad experience, I was sensitive to the criticism that I received from others and I did not want my friends to think that I was stupid. Some of them were probably aware that I was placed in some of the resource classes and they thought it was due primarily to my deafness. I knew that it was also because of my learning disability.
Unfortunately, during my four years of high school, I never took biology, and the foreign language requirement was waived for me. I did not take high school math such as algebra or geometry. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I used to wrap a brown paper bag around my math and science books so nobody would see that I was only taking basic math and science.
I was ashamed of my learning disability. In spite of my being crowned as “Snowball Queen” and “Prom Queen” during my senior year, I never disclosed my learning disability to any of my high school friends. Because of my bad experience, I was sensitive to the criticism that I received from others and I did not want my friends to think that I was stupid. Some of them were probably aware that I was placed in some of the resource classes and they thought it was due primarily to my deafness. I knew that it was also because of my learning disability.
Unprepared for College
After I graduated from high school in 1992, I enrolled at Ohlone Community College in Fremont, California. I was totally unprepared when I took Algebra I for the first time. The wall thickened when I was unable to comprehend the simplest algebraic expressions. With my visual processing issues, I became overwhelmed seeing so many math problems on the textbook page. It was extremely difficult to visually organize mathematical problems and I easily got confused if too many problems were on the same page. The numbers and symbols seemed cluttered. It was difficult to sort through the clutter and differentiate between the math problems visually.
I could not use graph paper as it made the clutter worse. Additionally, the graph was not big enough to use to organize the mathematical problems. I had to do one problem to show my complete work. In order to solve the math problems, I had to spread the numbers and symbols apart and draw a line between them. Unaware of the color code system that I later learned from the tutoring services at Gallaudet University, the line helped me differentiate the numbers and symbols. However, it created a little more clutter than necessary. In that situation, it was a no win strategy. See the following examples:
2x + 3y =
2x I + I 3y I =
At nights, I would spend endless hours completing the assignments and studying for the tests. Whenever I could not comprehend the assignments, my friend (deaf), who was a math genius, would assist me. There were numerous times when I could not understand his explanation. I felt degraded when he showed his “shocked” facial expression when I could not understand his instruction (We dated for a short time. He eventually broke it off with me because he felt I was not smart enough). It was very frustrating, and I cried frequently. Despite all my efforts, I did not pass the class.
After completing my pre-college English courses, I did not realize that college actually required much more skill in reading and writing until I took my college-level English course. I never learned how to develop these skills in high school. Due to my lack of exposure to early language and visual perception problems, I had difficulty expressing my thoughts and organizing my work in writing. After weeks of struggling and with help from a friend (deaf) who excelled in English, I began to comprehend the rules of the formal paper and soon began to pick it up. In spite of my hard work, I barely passed it with a C. At the time, I was still in denial; I didn’t believe I had a learning disability. The wall was starting to build up again because of my extreme frustration. I had to fight against erecting the wall in order to increase my motivation to learn and at the same time, learn how to cope with my frustration.
I could not use graph paper as it made the clutter worse. Additionally, the graph was not big enough to use to organize the mathematical problems. I had to do one problem to show my complete work. In order to solve the math problems, I had to spread the numbers and symbols apart and draw a line between them. Unaware of the color code system that I later learned from the tutoring services at Gallaudet University, the line helped me differentiate the numbers and symbols. However, it created a little more clutter than necessary. In that situation, it was a no win strategy. See the following examples:
2x + 3y =
2x I + I 3y I =
At nights, I would spend endless hours completing the assignments and studying for the tests. Whenever I could not comprehend the assignments, my friend (deaf), who was a math genius, would assist me. There were numerous times when I could not understand his explanation. I felt degraded when he showed his “shocked” facial expression when I could not understand his instruction (We dated for a short time. He eventually broke it off with me because he felt I was not smart enough). It was very frustrating, and I cried frequently. Despite all my efforts, I did not pass the class.
After completing my pre-college English courses, I did not realize that college actually required much more skill in reading and writing until I took my college-level English course. I never learned how to develop these skills in high school. Due to my lack of exposure to early language and visual perception problems, I had difficulty expressing my thoughts and organizing my work in writing. After weeks of struggling and with help from a friend (deaf) who excelled in English, I began to comprehend the rules of the formal paper and soon began to pick it up. In spite of my hard work, I barely passed it with a C. At the time, I was still in denial; I didn’t believe I had a learning disability. The wall was starting to build up again because of my extreme frustration. I had to fight against erecting the wall in order to increase my motivation to learn and at the same time, learn how to cope with my frustration.
Facing Academic Hardship at Gallaudet University
John, Jodi, Jeanne & Jami, 1997
In 1994, at the age of twenty-one, I transferred to Gallaudet University where I faced further academic challenges. My parents were then stationed in Seoul, Korea with the Air Force and I could not depend on their support whenever I needed it. Years of academic difficulties enabled me to become a survivor and stronger person in the college environment. Our geographic separation also taught me to become independent and to develop my advocacy skills as well. Most importantly, facing academic challenges alone allowed me to become more determined to tear down the wall. Nevertheless, I was still in denial.
Despite repeating my Algebra I course, I still had difficulty mastering math. It took me hours to complete my assignments and study for the tests. I was drained from preparing for the tests and I was frustrated at not being able to comprehend math. I was battling against the wall. No matter how hard I studied, I mostly received D’s on the tests. The day before the final exam, we, the students had to meet with our Professor to receive our final grade. When my Professor gave me the final grade, a D plus, it was just what I expected to get but I was unsatisfied with my grade, especially since I still had to take the final exam. I shed a tear when my professor, who was aware of my struggle, approached me asking to see if she could look at my grade. When I showed her my final classwork grade, she said, “Congratulations! Now you will have to study hard for the final exam.” I nodded and said, “Thanks.” I thought why should I study hard when I received primarily D’s on my previous tests. That afternoon, I was determined to break down the wall by studying even harder and even if I get a D in my math course, I would celebrate. I asked a friend of mine, who was a math genius, for assistance. She agreed to assist so we sat on the floor and she started tutoring me in math. As we progressed, her frustration grew when I could not understand her explanation. She couldn’t tolerate it anymore. Finally, she lost her patience. She slammed the book shut and hit it hard on the floor. She said, “Why can’t you understand math?” I burst into tears. I responded harshly,” I don’t know! Get out!” She immediately left the room. I was alone in my dorm still crying and the exam was approaching soon. As soon as I calmed down, I wrestled with my decision: Should I study for the final exam or just forget it? I thought, “Well, I’m not a quitter and I’m not going to fail this course again.” So, I hit the books once again. I spent approximately twenty hours studying for the final exam. I only had one hour of sleep. When I took Algebra I, I barely passed it after spending twenty hours studying for the final exam. It was a big relief, but I knew it was not yet over. It was the Algebra II course that I had to face next.
Likewise, I struggled with English and took a non-credit English course to improve my reading and writings skills before I moved up to the required English courses. My English teacher doubted that I would pass the English Placement Test due to my reading and writing challenges, but he was wrong. I passed it. Besides the English Placement Test, I also passed the Freshman Writing Exam. Consequently, my English course from Ohlone College was transferred and waived. After passing the English Placement Test, I moved into the required English courses. While taking English, I gradually improved my reading comprehension and writing skills, even though my reading/writing progress was still slow and it took me time to process the information I read or wrote. I realized that it was time to believe in myself knowing that I could tear down the wall. In spite of my academic challenges, I knew I could do it, although I was still skeptical of overcoming my math challenges.
My struggle in math was about to begin again. Similar to Algebra I, I studied Algebra II endlessly for the tests and I did not do well despite the assistance of a math tutor (he was a student). He did his best to help; however his explanations did not fit my processing and learning style. During tutoring, he seemed surprised that I could not understand his explanation. I was a bit embarrassed. It must have been his first time tutoring a student like me. Every time I received my math test results, I got F’s. The wall around me thickened again and I was unable to break it down. Regardless of my effort, I withdrew from Algebra II because I was failing.
Similar to my math challenges, I struggled to complete the language requirement for a degree in Social Work. Academically, I was unable to handle both Algebra II and a German course at the same time. (I took German because being an Air Force Brat, I was born in Germany and as a genealogy buff; my ancestors immigrated to America from Germany.) I somehow felt connected to Germany, but I had no idea how difficult learning a foreign language was until I took it. Comparing myself once again to other students, they picked up the language rather quickly. There was one particular student who had a photographic memory. I just couldn’t comprehend why I couldn’t do the same. I thought, “This is not a math class. Why do I have to struggle in German too?” The wall thickened and yet I was still in denial. I knew I had to break down the wall, but I did not know what to do with this current academic requirement. (Later, I discovered through research that those who struggle with math concepts also tend to struggle with foreign languages as well).
Despite repeating my Algebra I course, I still had difficulty mastering math. It took me hours to complete my assignments and study for the tests. I was drained from preparing for the tests and I was frustrated at not being able to comprehend math. I was battling against the wall. No matter how hard I studied, I mostly received D’s on the tests. The day before the final exam, we, the students had to meet with our Professor to receive our final grade. When my Professor gave me the final grade, a D plus, it was just what I expected to get but I was unsatisfied with my grade, especially since I still had to take the final exam. I shed a tear when my professor, who was aware of my struggle, approached me asking to see if she could look at my grade. When I showed her my final classwork grade, she said, “Congratulations! Now you will have to study hard for the final exam.” I nodded and said, “Thanks.” I thought why should I study hard when I received primarily D’s on my previous tests. That afternoon, I was determined to break down the wall by studying even harder and even if I get a D in my math course, I would celebrate. I asked a friend of mine, who was a math genius, for assistance. She agreed to assist so we sat on the floor and she started tutoring me in math. As we progressed, her frustration grew when I could not understand her explanation. She couldn’t tolerate it anymore. Finally, she lost her patience. She slammed the book shut and hit it hard on the floor. She said, “Why can’t you understand math?” I burst into tears. I responded harshly,” I don’t know! Get out!” She immediately left the room. I was alone in my dorm still crying and the exam was approaching soon. As soon as I calmed down, I wrestled with my decision: Should I study for the final exam or just forget it? I thought, “Well, I’m not a quitter and I’m not going to fail this course again.” So, I hit the books once again. I spent approximately twenty hours studying for the final exam. I only had one hour of sleep. When I took Algebra I, I barely passed it after spending twenty hours studying for the final exam. It was a big relief, but I knew it was not yet over. It was the Algebra II course that I had to face next.
Likewise, I struggled with English and took a non-credit English course to improve my reading and writings skills before I moved up to the required English courses. My English teacher doubted that I would pass the English Placement Test due to my reading and writing challenges, but he was wrong. I passed it. Besides the English Placement Test, I also passed the Freshman Writing Exam. Consequently, my English course from Ohlone College was transferred and waived. After passing the English Placement Test, I moved into the required English courses. While taking English, I gradually improved my reading comprehension and writing skills, even though my reading/writing progress was still slow and it took me time to process the information I read or wrote. I realized that it was time to believe in myself knowing that I could tear down the wall. In spite of my academic challenges, I knew I could do it, although I was still skeptical of overcoming my math challenges.
My struggle in math was about to begin again. Similar to Algebra I, I studied Algebra II endlessly for the tests and I did not do well despite the assistance of a math tutor (he was a student). He did his best to help; however his explanations did not fit my processing and learning style. During tutoring, he seemed surprised that I could not understand his explanation. I was a bit embarrassed. It must have been his first time tutoring a student like me. Every time I received my math test results, I got F’s. The wall around me thickened again and I was unable to break it down. Regardless of my effort, I withdrew from Algebra II because I was failing.
Similar to my math challenges, I struggled to complete the language requirement for a degree in Social Work. Academically, I was unable to handle both Algebra II and a German course at the same time. (I took German because being an Air Force Brat, I was born in Germany and as a genealogy buff; my ancestors immigrated to America from Germany.) I somehow felt connected to Germany, but I had no idea how difficult learning a foreign language was until I took it. Comparing myself once again to other students, they picked up the language rather quickly. There was one particular student who had a photographic memory. I just couldn’t comprehend why I couldn’t do the same. I thought, “This is not a math class. Why do I have to struggle in German too?” The wall thickened and yet I was still in denial. I knew I had to break down the wall, but I did not know what to do with this current academic requirement. (Later, I discovered through research that those who struggle with math concepts also tend to struggle with foreign languages as well).
Another Official Diagnosis
I felt anger and despair. While reflecting on my history of academic struggles since childhood, I thought that perhaps I really did have a learning disability. I decided to be evaluated once again for confirmation of the original testing. According to the Gallaudet University’s policy, the students were required to complete their math courses within two years. I feared that if I kept putting it off or kept failing the Algebra II course, I would not be able to complete my degree.
Per my request for a referral from the Gallaudet’s Office for Students with Disabilities, I met a psychologist, Dr. Anthony B. Wolff who knew sign language and did the assessment in spring of 1995. Three weeks later, the evaluation report arrived and it was time to learn the results. When I read the evaluation report, I was astounded to learn that the results of the second evaluation were similar to the one I had received at Annandale High School. Via e-mail, my mother noted that the evaluation report indicated similar results to those I had in high school. It was true. I thought, “Well, my high school psychologist was right after all.” Needless to say, I did not regret repeating the evaluation. I just wanted to understand the results and what they meant for my life and my learning challenges.
The evaluation indicated that I had a learning disability which included a visual-spatial disorder and slow processing speed. It reported that I had weak visual scanning of discrete symbolic material. This time I had no difficulty accepting the diagnosis of a learning disability. It was the beginning of my self-awareness because it actually explained my frustration and also helped me understand my areas of strengths and weakness as well as a way to target and improve my academic skills. The evaluation was like a map. It helped me find a way to succeed in college. Even though the wall was still standing, I had to work extremely hard to break down the wall by enhancing my learning without giving up.
Per my request for a referral from the Gallaudet’s Office for Students with Disabilities, I met a psychologist, Dr. Anthony B. Wolff who knew sign language and did the assessment in spring of 1995. Three weeks later, the evaluation report arrived and it was time to learn the results. When I read the evaluation report, I was astounded to learn that the results of the second evaluation were similar to the one I had received at Annandale High School. Via e-mail, my mother noted that the evaluation report indicated similar results to those I had in high school. It was true. I thought, “Well, my high school psychologist was right after all.” Needless to say, I did not regret repeating the evaluation. I just wanted to understand the results and what they meant for my life and my learning challenges.
The evaluation indicated that I had a learning disability which included a visual-spatial disorder and slow processing speed. It reported that I had weak visual scanning of discrete symbolic material. This time I had no difficulty accepting the diagnosis of a learning disability. It was the beginning of my self-awareness because it actually explained my frustration and also helped me understand my areas of strengths and weakness as well as a way to target and improve my academic skills. The evaluation was like a map. It helped me find a way to succeed in college. Even though the wall was still standing, I had to work extremely hard to break down the wall by enhancing my learning without giving up.
Developing Coping Strategies
Regardless of my diagnosis of visual-spatial processing challenges, I desired to ensure my college success. I registered with the Office for Students with Disabilities for services. One of the recommendations from a psychologist was to take tests orally with extended time. Nonetheless, I managed to complete the tests in the classroom and was always the last person to finish them. In any case, I would have used the testing accommodations (written) if I were unable to complete the tests within the designated time.
As for dealing with academic challenges, I had to learn to compensate for my learning disabilities and use alternative ways to learn. No one had taught me how to develop my coping strategies. It was basically self-taught. I had to develop compensatory strategies by using my areas of strength and skills I already possessed. With respect to my visual perception problems, I usually forgot the basic facts after reading silently. Since I couldn’t access the information through the auditory channel, I had to use my tactile/kinesthetic skills to write down facts so that I could memorize the information or I would forget it. Also, when reading textbooks, I would summarize the information on notes and then use them to study for the test. I had to trace the letters, numbers and words that I was trying to recall. The process was very time consuming but effective and helpful.
The only way to break down the wall was to relearn my studying skills and coping strategies because what worked for me in high school was not enough for the demands of college. When my courses gradually became more demanding, I managed to learn to develop my study skills as well as coping strategies such as writing strategies, test-taking strategies, time-management strategies and organizational strategies for research articles. These strategies helped me keep my head above water. While study had taken over my life, I was probably rigidly over organized as well. I had to keep everything rigidly in order, including my pre-preparation during holiday and summer break. I was constantly ruled by to-do lists. Highly organized structure helped me navigate through college. Needless to say, my learning challenges were still a roadblock to my academic success, but I was determined to beat the odds by using my study skills and coping strategies to advance my education.
As for dealing with academic challenges, I had to learn to compensate for my learning disabilities and use alternative ways to learn. No one had taught me how to develop my coping strategies. It was basically self-taught. I had to develop compensatory strategies by using my areas of strength and skills I already possessed. With respect to my visual perception problems, I usually forgot the basic facts after reading silently. Since I couldn’t access the information through the auditory channel, I had to use my tactile/kinesthetic skills to write down facts so that I could memorize the information or I would forget it. Also, when reading textbooks, I would summarize the information on notes and then use them to study for the test. I had to trace the letters, numbers and words that I was trying to recall. The process was very time consuming but effective and helpful.
The only way to break down the wall was to relearn my studying skills and coping strategies because what worked for me in high school was not enough for the demands of college. When my courses gradually became more demanding, I managed to learn to develop my study skills as well as coping strategies such as writing strategies, test-taking strategies, time-management strategies and organizational strategies for research articles. These strategies helped me keep my head above water. While study had taken over my life, I was probably rigidly over organized as well. I had to keep everything rigidly in order, including my pre-preparation during holiday and summer break. I was constantly ruled by to-do lists. Highly organized structure helped me navigate through college. Needless to say, my learning challenges were still a roadblock to my academic success, but I was determined to beat the odds by using my study skills and coping strategies to advance my education.
Slow Processing Speed
Before college started in the fall of 1995, I knew I had to overcome my fear of taking general education requirements. I invented coping strategies in order to cope with my frustration in particular courses. As I reviewed the curriculum, my first idea was to cope by balancing light and heavy course loads semester by semester. Additionally, I would take the courses that were either challenging or less interesting during summer school. After that, I took two courses during each of three summer semesters (one course each three-week session) so that I could graduate on time.
There was one particular summer course that I will never forget. It was biology and it was my first science course since I had never taken science in high school. My roommate, Kim and I took this course together. I was astounded at how slow my processing was when I witnessed her rapid study pace. The night before the test, Kim and I would study together at the same time, say 6:00 PM. By 11:00 PM, she closed the book and was getting ready for bed. I asked her if she was done studying. She said, “Yes.” “What about you?” I said, “No, I need to study a little more.” She nodded, “Ok, good night.” As she jumped into her bed, I turned to look at the book. I was dumbfounded. I just couldn’t believe it. Although, I was aware of my limitation as it related to reading and processing speed, I had no idea how bad my processing speed was until that night. She had studied all four chapters in four hours. I was still on chapter two and I had two more chapters left to go! It was already late. Despite the situation, I continued studying until 2:00 to 3:00 in the morning. Kim and I got up at 6:00 in the morning to refresh our memory for the test. As a result, we received the same final grade – a B! Whether I like it or not, I just had to study longer hours as compared to my peers.
There was one particular summer course that I will never forget. It was biology and it was my first science course since I had never taken science in high school. My roommate, Kim and I took this course together. I was astounded at how slow my processing was when I witnessed her rapid study pace. The night before the test, Kim and I would study together at the same time, say 6:00 PM. By 11:00 PM, she closed the book and was getting ready for bed. I asked her if she was done studying. She said, “Yes.” “What about you?” I said, “No, I need to study a little more.” She nodded, “Ok, good night.” As she jumped into her bed, I turned to look at the book. I was dumbfounded. I just couldn’t believe it. Although, I was aware of my limitation as it related to reading and processing speed, I had no idea how bad my processing speed was until that night. She had studied all four chapters in four hours. I was still on chapter two and I had two more chapters left to go! It was already late. Despite the situation, I continued studying until 2:00 to 3:00 in the morning. Kim and I got up at 6:00 in the morning to refresh our memory for the test. As a result, we received the same final grade – a B! Whether I like it or not, I just had to study longer hours as compared to my peers.
Using the Color Code System
Jodi & Linda Williams
In collaboration with Dr. Stephen F. Weiner, Dean of Student Affairs and Academic Support, Office for Students with Disabilities, and Mathematics Department, a trial Algebra II class was created and this one-year course was designed for students with learning disabilities. I registered for this course and the pace of instruction was slower. I was also assigned to a tutor specialist, Linda Williams (full-time staff). One of the techniques she utilized was the color-code system. She used it organize the complex math problems as I went through the steps. For the first time in years, I was amazed to finally be able to decipher the numbers and symbols. I did not have to spread the numbers and symbols apart and draw lines between them. See the following example:
2x+ 3y=
With the help of color-coding, I managed to pass this course with a C. One day, I ran into my math professor, Jean Schickel in the hall. She shared that this class was no longer offered and many students were still struggling with math in regular classes. Whatever the reason, the Math Department had decided to discontinue offering this particular class. Similar to other postsecondary institutions, Gallaudet University eventually offered the math course substitution for those who qualified. However, this option was not available until my Gallaudet graduate school. To sum it up, Ms. Schickel said I was very lucky to have taken this class when I did or I may not have been able to graduate.
As a social work major, I was required to take a statistics course. It was something that I could not avoid. During the lecture, I was able to understand the concepts, but I could not do the work correctly. Out of desperation to pass this course, the Social Work Department assigned Robert B. Weinstock, a Gallaudet professor, to tutor me weekly. As expected, I didn’t do well on the statistics tests. With the strength of research papers and assistance from the Writing Center, I managed to do well enough to pass the class.
2x+ 3y=
With the help of color-coding, I managed to pass this course with a C. One day, I ran into my math professor, Jean Schickel in the hall. She shared that this class was no longer offered and many students were still struggling with math in regular classes. Whatever the reason, the Math Department had decided to discontinue offering this particular class. Similar to other postsecondary institutions, Gallaudet University eventually offered the math course substitution for those who qualified. However, this option was not available until my Gallaudet graduate school. To sum it up, Ms. Schickel said I was very lucky to have taken this class when I did or I may not have been able to graduate.
As a social work major, I was required to take a statistics course. It was something that I could not avoid. During the lecture, I was able to understand the concepts, but I could not do the work correctly. Out of desperation to pass this course, the Social Work Department assigned Robert B. Weinstock, a Gallaudet professor, to tutor me weekly. As expected, I didn’t do well on the statistics tests. With the strength of research papers and assistance from the Writing Center, I managed to do well enough to pass the class.
Receiving a Social Work Professional Development Award
Jodi Becker & Charlotte Kaldani, 1998
During my senior year at Gallaudet University, I received a Social Work Professional Development Award. The Social Work Department was impressed with my planning for writing assignments in advance and asking my professors for clarification ahead of time and before the actual due dates. Unlike most of my friends, I had to write a paper little by little in advance or I would experience a mental block and be paralyzed by the thought of having to write a paper at the last minute. That being said, I wrote better without stress or pressure (The Social Work Department required a lot of term papers). My long-time Gallaudet roommate and best friend, Charlotte Kaldani Simoes, an accounting major, usually chuckled when I brought library books to our dorm immediately after the assignment due date was announced as I started working on the paper then. I was fortunateto have her as my roommate because she was also serious about her studies. We had a good support studying system. Even though the wall was still standing, I kept track of paper due dates, examinations, and assignment deadlines by planning ahead throughout my college career or I feared I would flunk out.
Graduating Cum Laude
During the last four years, I managed to do well in most classes. At graduation rehearsal, it was announced that I made the Cum Laude list. What?! Never in a million would I have thought this would happen! Although I made the Dean’s List a couple of times, I did not expect to make the highest grade. I only worked to the best of my ability. As for graduating Cum Laude, I thought it was a mistake and approached the academic advisor, who made the announcement, for confirmation. She pointed to my name on the list and said, “No, it is not a mistake.” I graduated Cum Laude with my Bachelor of Science Degree in Social Work from Gallaudet University in 1998. After six years of studying, it felt great to finally graduate. Conversely, I did not feel like the wall was completely gone and the battle was far from over.
Jodi's 1998 Gallaudet Graduation
Nose Buried in Books and Writing Papers
Duane & Jodi, 1998
Shortly after my graduation from Gallaudet University, I enrolled in Gallaudet’s Graduate School of Social Work to further my education and to meet the demands of the job market. At the time, most counseling jobs required a master’s degree. Before I entered the program, it was recommended that I enter the four-year program instead of the two-year program because I was told that I might not be able to handle the heavy load, which included many term papers. However, financial aid would not support a part-time student and I wanted to complete my degree within two years. I decided to challenge myself to do the best that I could and registered in the two-year program in addition to internships, which was granted. While I was in graduate school, I spent endless hours with my nose buried in books and writing papers. Unlike undergraduate school, I had very little social life. I was overwhelmed with the amount of work and was easily distracted. I barely kept my head above water. As a newly wedded person, my husband, Duane, who just graduated from Gallaudet, took care of cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. so that I could focus on my studies. I couldn’t focus on anything else. Truthfully, I would not have survived without him.
To better understand learning disabilities in general, I registered for a “Learning Disabilities” course at American University taught by professor, Sally L. Smith, a founder of the Lab School of Washington for students with learning disabilities and a national leader in the field of learning disabilities. For the first time in years, I finally discovered why I was always exhausted. For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with my health, like low iron. Despite numerous doctor visits, I was reported to be 100% healthy. My mother suspected that it had to do with my mental effort which caused fatigue or exhaustion. I didn’t believe it was the case. Eventually, I came across the book that Sally authored stating that students with learning disabilities are often tired due to the mental work required to decipher the visual material. It was confirmed in Sally’s book, but I had never thought of that connection! My mother was right after all.
During my first year of graduate school, I still battled against the wall. At the end of the year, I passed the qualification examination, but unfortunately, I failed a required Audiology class with a C+ (had to achieve a pass B or higher) and had to repeat it. I was devastated and thought it was the end of the world!
To better understand learning disabilities in general, I registered for a “Learning Disabilities” course at American University taught by professor, Sally L. Smith, a founder of the Lab School of Washington for students with learning disabilities and a national leader in the field of learning disabilities. For the first time in years, I finally discovered why I was always exhausted. For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with my health, like low iron. Despite numerous doctor visits, I was reported to be 100% healthy. My mother suspected that it had to do with my mental effort which caused fatigue or exhaustion. I didn’t believe it was the case. Eventually, I came across the book that Sally authored stating that students with learning disabilities are often tired due to the mental work required to decipher the visual material. It was confirmed in Sally’s book, but I had never thought of that connection! My mother was right after all.
During my first year of graduate school, I still battled against the wall. At the end of the year, I passed the qualification examination, but unfortunately, I failed a required Audiology class with a C+ (had to achieve a pass B or higher) and had to repeat it. I was devastated and thought it was the end of the world!
Knocking Down the Wall
During my second year of graduate school, I took more courses so I could graduate on time. I wasn’t sure if I could make it because during my first three years of social work programs (two years of undergraduate and one year of graduate), I had taken only four courses each semester and it fit my limitations. I was afraid to continue my education because I feared that I might fail again. I couldn’t stand the thought of failing, as I was so close to graduation. I did not want to give up, not yet.
As I progressed through my second year of graduate school, I was thrilled to finally comprehend the materials completely. Although I still had slow processing speed, my learning and thinking processes became clearer than ever. My reading and writing skills improved dramatically thanks to my persistent summer reading! I passed all of my courses, even the class I had to retake. I did not have to take math or statistics during the second year of graduate school so that probably helped. It turned out that I had finally knocked down the wall in spite of my long struggle with academics. Now the wall is gone! For the first time in a long time, I enjoy learning with ease! During eight years of college work, I had been slowly chipping away at the wall and I finally knocked it down!
In May 2000, I completed my master’s degree in Social Work. Ironically, my English term paper entitled, “How did the college students with learning disabilities overcome the obstacles of academic work and what kind of services and programs should the colleges and universities provide?” guided me to major in social work and become employed as an Accessibility Advisor in the Disability Resource College at the Salt Lake Community College. Moreover, if it were not for the Anne of Green Gables books/videos (I had the opportunity to read the full series during my first year of Gallaudet), I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Accepting my learning disability and fighting against the wall that I put up around myself was a long and difficult journey. I have not outgrown my visual and slow processing problems. It still takes a lot of time to work through information and learn how to compensate for my learning challenges in spite of long years living with the wall.
Looking back, I probably would have benefited from the Irlen color technology and large print on textbooks in secondary and postsecondary institutions. In addition, if I could hear, I would probably use a different way to process information, such as audiobooks (listening to textbooks) or dragon naturally speaking (voice recognition while writing a paper). I would likely depend on my auditory sense to access and process information. It would definitely save me a lot of time reading, writing summaries from textbooks, and completing writing assignments. While a student at Gallaudet, I never thought of asking for flexibility with assignment deadlines through the Office for Students with Disabilities (Nowadays, this is a common request from the students at the Disability Resource Center). Nevertheless, due to my hearing loss and visual processing problems, I experienced double barriers to my college success.
According to the article entitled, “Deaf Education: A New Philosophy,” the research basically addresses the fact that deaf people have better visual-spatial memories as compared to hearing people (Livadas, The Endeavor, Winter 2011). Obviously, I do not belong in that category!
The more I learn about learning disabilities issues, the more I feel empowered. There is nothing wrong with having a learning disability. In fact, many famous and successful people, like Tom Cruise, Keira Knightley, Whoopi Goldberg, Steven Spielberg, Anderson Cooper, Jay Leno, and Vince Vaughn have a learning disability.
As I progressed through my second year of graduate school, I was thrilled to finally comprehend the materials completely. Although I still had slow processing speed, my learning and thinking processes became clearer than ever. My reading and writing skills improved dramatically thanks to my persistent summer reading! I passed all of my courses, even the class I had to retake. I did not have to take math or statistics during the second year of graduate school so that probably helped. It turned out that I had finally knocked down the wall in spite of my long struggle with academics. Now the wall is gone! For the first time in a long time, I enjoy learning with ease! During eight years of college work, I had been slowly chipping away at the wall and I finally knocked it down!
In May 2000, I completed my master’s degree in Social Work. Ironically, my English term paper entitled, “How did the college students with learning disabilities overcome the obstacles of academic work and what kind of services and programs should the colleges and universities provide?” guided me to major in social work and become employed as an Accessibility Advisor in the Disability Resource College at the Salt Lake Community College. Moreover, if it were not for the Anne of Green Gables books/videos (I had the opportunity to read the full series during my first year of Gallaudet), I wouldn’t be who I am today.
Accepting my learning disability and fighting against the wall that I put up around myself was a long and difficult journey. I have not outgrown my visual and slow processing problems. It still takes a lot of time to work through information and learn how to compensate for my learning challenges in spite of long years living with the wall.
Looking back, I probably would have benefited from the Irlen color technology and large print on textbooks in secondary and postsecondary institutions. In addition, if I could hear, I would probably use a different way to process information, such as audiobooks (listening to textbooks) or dragon naturally speaking (voice recognition while writing a paper). I would likely depend on my auditory sense to access and process information. It would definitely save me a lot of time reading, writing summaries from textbooks, and completing writing assignments. While a student at Gallaudet, I never thought of asking for flexibility with assignment deadlines through the Office for Students with Disabilities (Nowadays, this is a common request from the students at the Disability Resource Center). Nevertheless, due to my hearing loss and visual processing problems, I experienced double barriers to my college success.
According to the article entitled, “Deaf Education: A New Philosophy,” the research basically addresses the fact that deaf people have better visual-spatial memories as compared to hearing people (Livadas, The Endeavor, Winter 2011). Obviously, I do not belong in that category!
The more I learn about learning disabilities issues, the more I feel empowered. There is nothing wrong with having a learning disability. In fact, many famous and successful people, like Tom Cruise, Keira Knightley, Whoopi Goldberg, Steven Spielberg, Anderson Cooper, Jay Leno, and Vince Vaughn have a learning disability.
Affecting My Aspects of Life as an Adult
All through the years, I have learned to compensate for my learning disability by tearing down the wall, but my learning challenges did not only affect school; it also affected all aspects of my life as an adult. For instance, I struggle to balance a checkbook (Thanks to the available online account nowadays!) and read a map. I keep my GPS handy in case I get lost. I often park my car and forget where it is. I don’t have the necessary skills to locate my own car after I leave it in a specific location. Eventually, I got tired of losing my car and wandering down the parking lot to find it. Therefore, I park my car in front of an entrance even if it has to be far away. This strategy helps me keep track of my car.
As for dealing with numbers, I work in a college where I assist students with registration. I have to be very careful to double-check the course numbers or I’ll mess up their schedule. To avoid errors, I often ask my students to double-check their schedule.
As a self-taught reader, I enjoy reading books, particularly romance, history and biographies. However, I am very selective regarding the author’s writing style and the size of the font or I won’t read. I dislike reading a book full of descriptions, like an adventure or fantasy book – too much distraction. I usually get lost in all of the details. There are some words, like fascinating, enthusiasm that I can’t spell correctly. Even if Google or Microsoft Word can’t spell it out for me. I make a list of words that I keep for future use.
I have serious problems with my handwriting. Because of my visual-spatial processing disorder, I have illegible written work and I have trouble keeping my writing on the lines or keep it straight. I never mastered cursive writing. I dislike the sight of my signature; it is awkward and inconsistent. As a Deaf individual communicating through notes, it is challenging to ensure that my handwriting, especially when I order food, talk to my neighbor, etc. truly communicates my intent or desire. Whenever possible, I avoid writing by hand. Instead, I use the word processor, email, text or iPhone notes. Writing a card is dreadful so thank goodness for the e-Card!
After being diagnosed with Meniere’s disease in my 30’s, I was instructed by my doctor to reduce my salt intake. I still did not know how to cook, of course, and I mostly ate unhealthy processed foods that contained a lot of salt. In order to control my Meniere’s symptoms, it was overwhelming to relearn and identify fruits/vegetables as well as organize the shopping list. As a working mother, learning to cook meals from scratch was overwhelming and time consuming. I knew nothing about cooking! If I had a choice, I wouldn’t go through this process. With Meniere’s disease, I didn’t have a choice but was “forced” to learn to cook healthy meals. It required time and patience. Apparently, after years of practicing visually processing information, I was finally able to read and follow cookbook instructions. Although I eat healthy, I am still not a very good cook!
In order to function in life better, I attempt to simplify my life, at home and in the office – clean, organized and uncluttered. Per visual perception challenges, I easily get distracted with “visual noise,” as the Deaf community describes it. I can’t function when there is a mess. Excess things in my surroundings have a negative impact on my ability to focus and process information. Apparently, as a result of my inner disorder that Sally L. Smith describes in her book, I constantly keep my house rigidly clean and organized so that I can function better and think more clearly. Regrettably, my inflexibility with the house organization system infuriates my family and prevents me from experiencing some of the little joys in life.
All things considered, those strategies have helped me become a productive member of society as well as learn to become a competent and independent adult (including financially).
As for dealing with numbers, I work in a college where I assist students with registration. I have to be very careful to double-check the course numbers or I’ll mess up their schedule. To avoid errors, I often ask my students to double-check their schedule.
As a self-taught reader, I enjoy reading books, particularly romance, history and biographies. However, I am very selective regarding the author’s writing style and the size of the font or I won’t read. I dislike reading a book full of descriptions, like an adventure or fantasy book – too much distraction. I usually get lost in all of the details. There are some words, like fascinating, enthusiasm that I can’t spell correctly. Even if Google or Microsoft Word can’t spell it out for me. I make a list of words that I keep for future use.
I have serious problems with my handwriting. Because of my visual-spatial processing disorder, I have illegible written work and I have trouble keeping my writing on the lines or keep it straight. I never mastered cursive writing. I dislike the sight of my signature; it is awkward and inconsistent. As a Deaf individual communicating through notes, it is challenging to ensure that my handwriting, especially when I order food, talk to my neighbor, etc. truly communicates my intent or desire. Whenever possible, I avoid writing by hand. Instead, I use the word processor, email, text or iPhone notes. Writing a card is dreadful so thank goodness for the e-Card!
After being diagnosed with Meniere’s disease in my 30’s, I was instructed by my doctor to reduce my salt intake. I still did not know how to cook, of course, and I mostly ate unhealthy processed foods that contained a lot of salt. In order to control my Meniere’s symptoms, it was overwhelming to relearn and identify fruits/vegetables as well as organize the shopping list. As a working mother, learning to cook meals from scratch was overwhelming and time consuming. I knew nothing about cooking! If I had a choice, I wouldn’t go through this process. With Meniere’s disease, I didn’t have a choice but was “forced” to learn to cook healthy meals. It required time and patience. Apparently, after years of practicing visually processing information, I was finally able to read and follow cookbook instructions. Although I eat healthy, I am still not a very good cook!
In order to function in life better, I attempt to simplify my life, at home and in the office – clean, organized and uncluttered. Per visual perception challenges, I easily get distracted with “visual noise,” as the Deaf community describes it. I can’t function when there is a mess. Excess things in my surroundings have a negative impact on my ability to focus and process information. Apparently, as a result of my inner disorder that Sally L. Smith describes in her book, I constantly keep my house rigidly clean and organized so that I can function better and think more clearly. Regrettably, my inflexibility with the house organization system infuriates my family and prevents me from experiencing some of the little joys in life.
All things considered, those strategies have helped me become a productive member of society as well as learn to become a competent and independent adult (including financially).
Selecting an Evaluator for Diagnosis
Last, but not least, I wish to add that for those deaf or hard of hearing individuals who suspect that they having a learning disability, you will want to make sure to select an evaluator, who is aware of deaf issues and knows sign language, for diagnosis. My high school psychologist was rare; it doesn’t happen very often. If you are unable to locate one, an interpreter should be provided. Keep in mind that it is important for evaluators not to misdiagnose deaf and hard of hearing individuals with learning disabilities. Today, more and more deaf and hard of hearing individuals are being identified as having a learning disability. It is essential for them to receive appropriate services in order to progress and advance their education through the use of reasonable accommodations.
For one of the courses I took in graduate school, I wrote a paper titled, “What challenge do evaluators face when giving a diagnosis to a deaf and hard of hearing students for learning disabilities?” It was noted that according to Public Law 94-142, there are two reasons why the definition of learning disabilities is inappropriate for deaf and hard of hearing students. The first reason is that the term “learning disabilities” cannot be classified as learning disabled in deaf and hard of hearing individuals due to their hearing loss. In fact, this law does not include individuals who have problems which are primarily the result of visual, hearing, or other sensory impairments. Therefore, they are not allowed to be part of the learning disabilities category. The second reason is to determine whether the language deficits are a normal result of the deafness or are due to a learning disability.
However, I beg to differ. In spite of the problem with the “legal” definition of learning disabilities, deaf and hard of hearing students with identified learning disabilities should be classified as learning disabled by qualified professionals. I strongly believe that deaf and hard of hearing students with learning disabilities do exist. According to the Federal definition, there are no … hearing …impaired learning disabled children in the world – the idiocy of such a rule denies the evidence” (Sabatino, 1983, p. 26). Hence, they deserve to be part of the learning disabilities category and receive appropriate services from the secondary and postsecondary institutions. After all, I am living proof of this situation.
As shown above, having a learning disability is a lifelong condition. I echo the study that developing self-awareness, proactivity, perseverance, goal setting, using support systems and coping strategies are the key attributes to success (Raskind & Goldberg, 2005). I recall that developing these attributes helped me survive throughout my college career after being diagnosed with a learning disability in 1995. Suffice it to say, attending school requires a good attitude, hard work, and savvy. Without them, I would not have survived in school, especially college. People with learning disabilities can accomplish great things if they put their minds to it and are inspired to do what the quote states above. Before I close, I hope my “Tearing Down the Wall” story helps the reader gain a perspective on learning disability issues and inspire whoever wishes to succeed in school.
For one of the courses I took in graduate school, I wrote a paper titled, “What challenge do evaluators face when giving a diagnosis to a deaf and hard of hearing students for learning disabilities?” It was noted that according to Public Law 94-142, there are two reasons why the definition of learning disabilities is inappropriate for deaf and hard of hearing students. The first reason is that the term “learning disabilities” cannot be classified as learning disabled in deaf and hard of hearing individuals due to their hearing loss. In fact, this law does not include individuals who have problems which are primarily the result of visual, hearing, or other sensory impairments. Therefore, they are not allowed to be part of the learning disabilities category. The second reason is to determine whether the language deficits are a normal result of the deafness or are due to a learning disability.
However, I beg to differ. In spite of the problem with the “legal” definition of learning disabilities, deaf and hard of hearing students with identified learning disabilities should be classified as learning disabled by qualified professionals. I strongly believe that deaf and hard of hearing students with learning disabilities do exist. According to the Federal definition, there are no … hearing …impaired learning disabled children in the world – the idiocy of such a rule denies the evidence” (Sabatino, 1983, p. 26). Hence, they deserve to be part of the learning disabilities category and receive appropriate services from the secondary and postsecondary institutions. After all, I am living proof of this situation.
As shown above, having a learning disability is a lifelong condition. I echo the study that developing self-awareness, proactivity, perseverance, goal setting, using support systems and coping strategies are the key attributes to success (Raskind & Goldberg, 2005). I recall that developing these attributes helped me survive throughout my college career after being diagnosed with a learning disability in 1995. Suffice it to say, attending school requires a good attitude, hard work, and savvy. Without them, I would not have survived in school, especially college. People with learning disabilities can accomplish great things if they put their minds to it and are inspired to do what the quote states above. Before I close, I hope my “Tearing Down the Wall” story helps the reader gain a perspective on learning disability issues and inspire whoever wishes to succeed in school.
References
Livadas, G. (2011). Deaf Education: A New Philosophy. The Endeavor,p. American Society for Deaf Children, 51-55.
Rashkind M.H. & Goldberg, R.J. (2005). Life Success for Students with Learning Disabilities: A Parent’s Guide. http://www.ldonline.org/article/Life_Success_For_Students_With_Learning_Disabilities%3A_A_Parent's_Guide?theme=print
Sabatino, D. (1983). The House that Jack Built. Journal of Learning Disabilities, p.16, 26-27.
Livadas, G. (2011). Deaf Education: A New Philosophy. The Endeavor,p. American Society for Deaf Children, 51-55.
Rashkind M.H. & Goldberg, R.J. (2005). Life Success for Students with Learning Disabilities: A Parent’s Guide. http://www.ldonline.org/article/Life_Success_For_Students_With_Learning_Disabilities%3A_A_Parent's_Guide?theme=print
Sabatino, D. (1983). The House that Jack Built. Journal of Learning Disabilities, p.16, 26-27.